Women’s Retreat: Saturday Morning

Interview with Shirley MAY, author of "Conversations with Teddy" by Elizabeth Crawford.

CRAWFORD: Good morning Shirley. Thank you for coming to our women’s retreat this year and your willingness to share your heart wrenching story with us. I realize that it’s not easy to reveal your pain. Thank you for giving me the privilege of reading your manuscript and I’m looking forward to seeing it in print. Soon I hope! There appear to be more books on the shelf today about childhood abuse. Does this tell us that there are a lot of people out there seeking stories on survival and surviving abuse?

MAY: Well yes! Whether it's about abuse or dysfunctional families… I mean if you look at the dynamics, people have problems. There's divorce or someone suffering with cancer or eating disorders or unemployment and many more heart wrenching moments in life; if it resonates with readers as ‘yes, that’s what life is like for me’ they feel less isolated in their problems. It’s learning to deal with them, letting go of them to live a happier life is what matters. That really is the premise of my book.

CRAWFORD: What spurred you to write Conversations with Teddy?

MAY: Conversations with Teddy was a byproduct from helping my neighbor begin documenting her ‘ten defining moments’ that her psychologist requested. Once I started to type my ten defining moments my fingers refused to stop at ten. Memories came flooding back, and in particular, memories of my best friend Teddy. So I decided to write my story, I should really say our story, Teddy and me. So , Conversations with Teddy is a story about a little girl and her Teddy through the eyes of the child.

CRAWFORD: Well, I think that's what makes Conversations with Teddy so powerful is that it's a true story, about your life. Let's talk about what you did go through. Let's begin with your relationship with your mother.

MAY: Well, very quickly I was raised in a Christian home, with both parents trained as ministers. On the outside we were the perfect Brady Bunch, the ideal family, but on the inside, behind closed doors, both parents were dictators who never blinked at using their physical strength to control, rebuke, fear and destroy my spirit, and my sister’s spirit, while keeping us isolated from outside friendships. While writing my childhood memories I have questioned who the dominating parent was. Who called the shots? They were equally abusive but I tend to have more animosity towards my mother for not protecting her children as mothers should do and yet I’m angry with my father for his abusive dictatorship that destroyed my will, confidence and self esteem.

CRAWFORD: I’m aware that your parents are now both deceased. Did you have the opportunity to confront your mother or your father before their death?

MAY: My father on his death bed finally vaguely admitted to the sexual abuse but continued his abuse my blaming me that the relationship between him and my mother was no longer the same. I regret not saying that what you sow you reap, that he caused the problem and the blame lies entirely upon his shoulders not mine. But as he was dying and in severe pain I just listened maybe I was programmed by him – No if’s and buts about it or another of his favorite admonitions – a still tongue makes a wise head.

CRAWFORD: Yes! I remember that throughout your book he often rebuked you with those harsh words. Yeah, it's definitely a triumph of the human spirit. What would be your advice to children that are in the type of situation that you endured?

MAY: Well, if they think they are, as a child you think your parents are perfect and the way they treat you is perfect, especially when you never see how other families behave. So if there's a perceived or real problem, for goodness sakes, tell someone about that problem, an adult figure, a counselor or a teacher, someone at school, a parent, a guardian. I mean if they feel strange about something, anything, if they're fearful of something, tell someone. Back in my day we didn't talk about family secrets. We had to preserve family dignity. What will people say? Today I’m no longer bound by what people say. We didn't talk about cancer, we didn't talk about sex, drugs or violence and so forth. It was very much in the closet. But because of cases like mine and other cases, we can now talk about it and make a difference. I hope to bring child abuse survivors out of the shadows and help them transform from a victim to a survivor.

CRAWFORD: Yeah, you're right. There weren't child abuse laws then, were there?

MAY: No, not at all. You just accepted that you were bad, accepted the punishment when really it was abuse. There were no laws to protect the innocent. In Conversation with Teddy I recall an incident where I stood on the steps of the Police Headquarters in Adelaide and the realization that who would believe that ministers inflicted all these bruises overwhelmed me, stopping me dead in my tracks. If I said anything I’d only receive more belting's with that monstrous strap.

CRAWFORD: If I recall correctly that incident was when you were in high school. At what age or event did you realize that your parents were abusing you?

MAY: Yes! I was in second year high when I began to realize that my life was anything but normal by listening to other girls, the fun they had at home, the freedom they enjoyed, the obvious love they had for their parents and I suppose as I was an avid reader I began to realize that my home life was cruel and I was a prisoner. I needed a Good Samaritan and often dreamt that a teacher would come to my rescue.

CRAWFORD: Well, did you find writing the book was a cathartic experience.
MAY: In many respects I’d have to say yes. I found it amazing how more and more memories that I had subconsciously suppressed cam flooding back once I opened the floodgate.

CRAWFORD: Well, Shirley, we’ve run out of time. Thank you so much for being with us this morning and we look forward to another chance of hearing about your writing experiences this evening.

MAY: Thank you for having me.