Women’s Retreat - Evening

Interview with Shirley MAY,

by Elizabeth Crawford on

Conversations with Teddy.

Women’s Retreat

Interview with Shirley MAY, author of "Conversations with Teddy" and Elizabeth Crawford.

CRAWFORD: Thank you once again for coming to our retreat. Many ladies have remarked at how they were moved by your words this morning. I would like to pick up on how you found writing Conversations with Teddy as a cathartic experience.

MAY: initially I was just documenting my memories but as time progressed and I started to accept the memories, my life changed. Yes! I suppose you can say the book was cathartic. I was betrayed by the very people who professed to love me but now with the betrayal coming out of the shadows, the closest so to speak, it has given voice and understanding to my inner pain and anger, freeing me from negativism that had imprisoned me. The months of typing have been a journey of healing and most importantly acceptance of myself and my family. One of the most profound realizations I have experienced is that I now love that little girl, the girl I always thought was a dork, stupid and unworthy, I now love her. She was resourceful, intelligent and gentle. How the love for my Teddy gave me real love back. It really is amazing how our inner needs are met.

CRAWFORD: Were there times when you questioned telling your personal story and making it public? How did you deal with that?

MAY: There have been several times I hesitated about having it published. It is very common for victims of abuse to remain tight lipped about what happened to them. I decided I had to tell in order to be able to grieve about it, move confidently on with my life and hopefully help other victims become survivors. I needed to stop feeling like a victim and start feeling like a survivor. I’ve had great concerns for the people who were caring to me. People who were oblivious to what transpired behind closed doors. People who confided in my parents and thought the world of them. People who would take the fact that they were abusive ministers to strip the church of God’s Grace. How the media would exploit my story.

CRAWFORD: I can understand your concerns so how did you deal with them?

MAY: I decided that I had a right to tell my story. They had no right to treat me and my sister the way they did. Somehow I feel that I have a duty to help others. So, I decided to change the names of other people in my book to protect the innocent people.

CRAWFORD: you mentioned that people are likely to take abusive ministers to strip the church of God’s Grace. Could you elaborate on what you mean?

MAY: Well, firstly my parents are only two people who happened to be in the church. If he was a baker or a carpenter would people exploit my story? Being a Christian does not make anyone perfect. God’s Grace is His free gift of sins forgiven when we confessed and ask Jesus to be Lord and Savior of our lives. Did God ask my parents to act the way they did? No! Did the church propagate that behavior? No! But people are inclined to blame God, the church, religion, instead of the individual who has sinned and grieved a person. However, if my father was a teacher, lawyer or doctor the media would exploit the situation. I feel it is mainly because these people are entrusted with our loved ones; it’s their responsibility to love and care for, not abuse.

CRAWFORD: What is it that you hope people will realize from reading Conversations with Teddy, in terms of their interactions with children?

MAY: Firstly, I want them to realize there a various forms of abuse. Abuse doesn't show up with physical signs and many physical signs are purposely inflicted where nobody could detect. This physical abuse is premeditated, it’s not the result of losing one’s temper but purposely inflicted injury. If nothing else, Conversations with Teddy illustrates the type of hidden abuse that children suffer include physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Trena Cole in her book Charred Souls discusses recreational child abuse which is not committed in a fit of rage, or for disciplinary purposes but when parents abuse children for fun. Being taken to Mister, at St Klida a place meant for fun was my place of fear that my parents continually taunted me with.

CRAWFORD: How has your family reacted to the book?

MAY: My sister is longing to read it and other family members have been very supportive.

CRAWFORD: Do you have children of your own now? If so, how have your own personal experiences as a child influenced you as a mother?
MAY: I have one son and he is a wonderful young man. I thank God every day that I was able to somehow break the cycle and love and nurture him. I was determined not to be like my parents. If there is something that I am grateful for my childhood, it is that I learnt what not to do or say to a child. Now looking back from a parent’s point of view my parents missed out on so much joy from their girls because of their abusive, manipulative and controlling behavior. Who cares what people might say? Love in a family is so much more important.

CRAWFORD: Are you working on any other writing projects?

MAY: Yes, thanks for asking. I am working on my second book, Whisperings, which is more about my marriage which details how abuse is a lingering, emotionally crippling and how easy it was to fall into the same trap of not being able to stand up for myself when as a child I never learnt the skill. I’m also writing a teenage realistic fiction called Talk to Me. It’s about four teenage girls who through their daily lives and their blog are faced with cyberbullying, eating disorders and self mutilation. These are very real dilemmas that our teenagers face.

CRAWFORD: Teenage realistic fiction! You seem to have a real passion for the pains of children and teenagers. Is this because of your past and the need for someone to have helped you?

MAY: Perhaps! As a teacher I became very aware of the traumas facing teenagers. Many, like myself, keep the pain to themselves. They fear being laughed at, considered imagining , fear that people will think less of them, fear of worse consequences and fear of betraying the people who are supposed to love them while they struggle with their love/hate feelings. I believe that bibliotherapy has a valid place in every library, Teenagers can read of other people their age going through same or similar turmoil and realize that they are not alone. They can be encouraged to seek help. They can see how others have overcome their problems.

CRAWFORD: Thank you very much for your time.